stupid

i don't understand why i do this to myself over and over again. its so frustrating that i just keep going back to you. tonight i sent you a message and this is how the conversation went:

me: i miss you and hope you're doing good.
you: ok
me: ok.
you: i have missed you too
me: ya?
you: yeah sure have
me: ah sorry i don't think i shouldn't have messaged you. its not like anything is gonna change and i'm probably just hurting myself all over again.
you: if that's the way you feel
me: well i don't know how to feel anymore.
you: oh ok did you talk to my sister on facebook before
me: no why?
you: oh just wondering
me: no specific reason?
you: i just heard that you talked to her
me: no i think i might have posted something on her wall saying hi and that it was nice to "meet" her. but we never talked.
you: oh ok
me: well i love you still and hope everything is going well for you.
me: bye

its just so hard. because i really really do miss you but i don't feel like i should. not after the way you treated me and just let me go. but the truth is that i do and i still wish so bad that things would have been different.

i know that things can't be different and that they never will. i was stupid to send you that message because i know that its just hurting me again. but whenever i have a message on my facebook i still wonder and sort of hope its you.

i guess i just wish i could get over as you as fast as it seems you've gotten over me. i don't know if you have but it didn't even seem like you were that into the relationship at the end anyway. so i guess it would have been easier for you to get over what i thought we had to begin with.

i still love you matthew. for whatever its worth anymore. i really do love you and i hope you that you're doing good and that you really are getting over this, cause i know its a really hard for me.